


Breathe

by nevertaketheworldasitis



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AU, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Arguing, FACE Family, Fluff, FrUK, Gen, M/M, Other, Separation Anxiety, established FrUK, family squabbles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 12:19:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7314982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevertaketheworldasitis/pseuds/nevertaketheworldasitis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Matthew ever wanted was to be brave.<br/>At four years old, bravery doesn't come easily, but the most stressful day of his life could come with unexpected rewards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe

Matthew hugged the plush bear tightly to his chest, frowning into the sweet-smelling tufts of white fur in between its felt ears. The other kids screamed around him as they sprinted across the playground, weaving over and under the menacing metallic coils of the jungle gym and expertly landing on the sand below. Among them, Alfred clanged up the metal steps to be the first to hurl himself down the twisty slide. Matthew could hear the distinct squeak as he slid down on his belly and tumbled triumphantly out the other end, grinning his same ecstatic grin before rushing back to do it again. 

He wanted to go home.

Matthew wasn't used to people being this loud – which was saying something, as Alfred had the lungs of a champion at home. It made his ears hurt. The horrid pressing feeling in his stomach had been swelling exponentially since Papa and Daddy dropped them off at the preschool, and he could feel it squeeze through his throat and threaten to make him choke and cry.

 _No_ , he scolded himself, _no tears today_. 

Matthew sucked in a big breath and squeezed his eyes shut as he held it. He buried his face into his bear's back in an attempt to stifle the gasps that tried to force their way out. 

_Not today, not today._

He had worked so hard to convince them that he was ready. He had slept without his night light all week and only cried once; he had gone down the big slide in his backyard all by himself; he had even said hello to their scary next-door neighbour with the really loud voice and the mean-looking scowl. 

Papa and Daddy looked stunned at Matthew's sudden outburst before dinner when he finally decided the buildup was enough. 

"I want to go to school," he had said as loud as he could, trying to stop his voice from quivering—he couldn't cry, not when he had to prove to them that he was brave—, "with Alfred. I want to go to school and I'm ready and I won't cry and I won't be scared or anything at all. I promise!"

Silence. Arthur blinked a few times as he tried to comprehend what his son had just said. Francis's look of surprise quickly faded into a warm smile, and he knelt down to hug Matthew tightly. 

"Oh, _mon petite chou_..." he said, squeezing him. "Yes. Of course you can go."

A second passed and Arthur spoke too, joining the hug.

"If you feel you're ready," he said, "you can go."

At that moment, in his parents' arms, he almost let loose the tears he had been hiding for so long, but he stayed strong. He wouldn't cry, not he finally had what he’d worked so hard for. As soon as Matthew set foot through the school doors next to Alfred, however, he felt less certain. 

It wasn't the overbearing teacher who made him fearful, or even the fact that he was alone for the first time in his life. In the tumultuous chaos of the classroom, he soon realised it was everybody else. 

They didn't tell him it would be like this. He already had one loud person to deal with at home; and now he had to deal with about twenty more of him screaming around the classroom and playground. Alfred alone was troublesome, but this was terrifying. 

"Hey, Mattie!" yelled Alfred from the crow's nest of the jungle gym, prompting Matthew to look up. "Get up here! The view is great!"

Matthew gulped. That was awfully high up...

"N-no, thank you...!"

"What?" Alfred shouted back. 

His stomach sank. Alfred hadn't heard him. His brother tilted his head like a curious puppy.

"What're you waiting for? Climb up!"

Matthew couldn't. More kids screamed past him and he shrank back with a jolt. He willed himself to move towards Alfred, but all he could do was shake. He opened his mouth to shout again, but the sound was caught in his throat behind the pressure that welled up once again. Alfred grinned from a distance, still waiting.

 _Don't cry,_ Matthew ordered himself. _Don't cry, don't cry._

His vision started to blur. A small gasp wriggled its way through his tight throat as the first tear rolled down his pink cheek. 

"N- _no_ ," he whimpered firmly to himself. 

No, he could still do it. He heaved in all the air he could and clenched his eyes tightly shut so the tears would stay back. The sounds of the playground became muffled through the ringing in his ears. When had they started ringing? 

The bench he sat on shook forcefully as three boys leapt over it in a frantic game of tag. His breath became harder to hold. Each sob he hiccupped back made his tiny chest leap violently and racked his frame with a dozen heavy spasms. 

_DON'T CRY DON'T CRY DON'TCRYDON'TCRYDON'TCRYDON'T—_

"Matthew!" 

He gasped as he felt a large pair of hands rest firmly on his shoulders.

"Matthew, Matt— _Look at me!_ "

He opened his eyes to see a pair of green eyes staring back at him.

"Matthew, breathe. I need you to breathe. Can you do that for me?"

Matthew nodded quickly and wheezed in shallow breaths, tears unstoppably flowing. Arthur breathed in time with Matthew, gradually easing down the pace of each inhale.

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

"That's it, just keep breathing,” said Arthur.

"Dad, what's wrong with Mattie?" he heard a panicked voice yell beside him. 

Matthew croaked, "A-Al—"

"Don't look at Alfred, Matthew. Look at me. Just keep breathing."

Matthew filled his lungs with air, the throbbing in his chest and head subsiding. The ringing began fading away and the chorus of screams rose back to him in a slow crescendo. 

The grass crunched beside them as someone else sped towards them.

“Mathieu!" 

A warm pair of arms wrapped tightly around him. The familiar scent of cologne reached him and at last he could breathe normally. 

"P-Papa…!" Matthew cried, throwing his tiny arms around his Papa's neck and sobbing into his chest. 

"I'm here, Mathieu, I'm here," Francis said soothingly, pulling his son into his chest. 

Alfred cautiously stepped towards the scene, bending down to pick up the plush polar bear that lay discarded before them. 

He asked uncertainly, eyes fixed on the sand-speckled bear, "... Are we gonna go home now?"

Arthur settled his arm around his shoulders.

"Yes, Alfred," he said, "we're going home."

 

Arthur drove the car in silence, while Francis sat in the back with Alfred and Matthew, seating the latter on his lap and stroking his blond hair gently. The plush bear sat in the middle, strapped to Matthew’s car seat. Alfred looked the most uneasy. He squirmed every so often in his chair to cross and uncross his scab-patched legs. 

It was Matthew who broke the silence. 

"I'm sorry..."

Arthur glanced back at him through the rear-view mirror, frowning. 

"What was that, darling?" he asked. 

Matthew tensed at the question but continued, "I’m sorry. For crying. For making you guys take us home so soon..."

" _Mon petit_ ," Francis began soothingly, "it's okay to—"

"No, it's not!" protested Matthew, stunning everyone. 

He ignored them and breathed. 

"I told you I was ready to go to school. That I wouldn't be scared... I know you didn't want me to go because you _knew_ I'd cry... It's what you told that lady at the doctor's office..."

Arthur and Francis exchanged worried looks. Matthew proceeded. 

"And I know I got scared today but I tried so hard not to cry since I told you that I was brave now..."

There was a pause.

"I still want to go to school. E-even though I got scared today, I promise I won't tomorrow...! P-please believe me. I'll try extra hard not to cry next time and—"

He seemed to lose his train of thought, staring blankly at the back of Arthur's seat as Francis held him tighter. Their gazes locked again in the rear-view mirror, having a conversation only with their eyes.

It was Alfred's turn to speak.

"Everyone's scared the first time they do something," he said plainly. "Doesn't mean they shouldn't do it."

Matthew looked over at his brother, who toyed with the plush bear's foot as he spoke. 

Alfred glanced up at Arthur, who still didn't look convinced. 

"Alfred..."

"Why do you want to keep Mattie at home so badly, huh?" he shouted. "Just 'cause he got scared? Everyone's scared sometimes! If you didn't do things 'cause you were scared, then no one would ever do anything! How can Mattie show you he's brave when you won't let him!"

The car screeched softly to a halt in front of their house. Matthew stared at Arthur, waiting for a response. His knuckles whitened as he hardened his grip on the steering wheel, opening his mouth to reply when Francis chuckled softly, running a hand through his hair smoothly.

"My, my, Alfred, sometimes I'm amazed at your wisdom."

All three of them turned towards Francis, who beamed down at Matthew.

"Mathieu, do you feel like we don't let you show us you're brave?"

Matthew fumbled with his glasses nervously. He wasn't quite sure what to say.

"W-well..." he began tentatively, "... I think...? But then I—... I..."

He stopped. Did he really feel that way? Maybe sometimes. Sure, they were always quicker to let Alfred try something new or different, but that still didn't feel like a reason. The truth was, he was all-around terrified to do things other kids did, even when, and especially if, Papa and Daddy were finally allowing him to. Even with Matthew’s determination to find strength in himself, it was always mere, damning inches away, and he could never reach it. 

As hard as he tried, he could only find his safe haven in his parents' eyes. Without that, everything was too frightening. Without them, he could hardly do anything, and he _hated_ himself for it. How could he be so weak? He was four years old, so how could something as simple as saying hello to a stranger seem so utterly terrifying? He hated being so scared. How could he get anywhere when the only thing he would think about was the sick feeling of horror seething in his stomach? He could never be that hero in the movies. That was Alfred. No. Matthew was stuck being the hero’s craven sidekick who was always being made to scream or cry just for laughs. That's all someone like him was ever doomed to be. 

But even with the enervating self-deprecation, a part of him stubbornly held on. 

He didn't want to let go of the feeling of his Papa holding his hand during a scary movie, or stop hearing Daddy's voice when he read to him on scary nights, or forget that sweet relief when he crawled into their bed at night, knowing everything would be okay. He liked the comfort. He wasn't quite ready to lose that. So why did he want to be independent so badly?

"You _do_ give me the chance to be brave," Matthew said, thoughtful. Al's eyes widened. "It's just... Sometimes I'm just... _not_. I _can_ be brave, and I try so hard, but... I guess I need more time to become brave about things... and I need a little more help than other people..."

He looked up at his Papa.

"That's not wrong, is it?" 

Arthur turned around in his seat.

Francis' heart sank and he squeezed Matthew tightly.

"No, no, no," he whispered. "It's not wrong. Not wrong at all."

Matthew clung to his Papa's shirt, voice shaking. 

"I-I know I can't be brave all the time..." he continued. "And I don't want to have to go through all scary things by myself just yet, but... Please give me another chance... I promise I'll be braver tomorrow. Just..."—he breathed—"please let me go back to school."

 

Matthew could hear raised voices through the wall. It had been an hour since he and Alfred had been sent to bed, but the yelling that started the moment the lights went out still hadn't stopped. 

When they got out of the car, Daddy looked mad, staring straight ahead with furrowed brows and worry in his eyes. He didn't look back to see a concerned Francis and a confused Alfred and Matthew as he unlocked the front door and stepped inside. Francis quickly ushered his children into the home and bid them to watch some television in the guest room before storming after his husband, fuming. 

"I don't think Daddy wants me to go back to school..." Matthew had confessed earlier as he finished getting ready for bed. 

"Want me to talk to him?" offered Alfred, struggling to button his spaceship pyjamas. 

"No, it's okay," Matthew said. "Thanks."

"You sure?"

Alfred looked up at Mattie through crooked glasses, small eyebrows furrowed concernedly. He could be a giant pain in the neck, but when it came down to it, he was a loyal brother. Matthew smiled.

"I'm sure."

He tightened his sheets around him even though he was sweating. His snowman pyjamas clung to his skin stickily, but he didn't want to leave the comfort of his tight nest of sheets. Especially not when Papa and Daddy were mad at each other. And all because of him. 

The door creaked open and Matthew jolted up. 

"Matthew?"

It was Daddy. He froze. He struggled to find the nerve to respond. Then he remembered: breathe. 

"Y-Yeah...?" 

Why was Daddy here? Wasn't he mad at him? Oh, God, he was here to give him the bad news. He wouldn't be going to school tomorrow. He just knew it. He had that same tone of voice he always used when something was amiss. 

"Can I talk to you for a moment?"

Matthew decided he might as well get it over with. It didn't matter anymore, he guessed...

"Okay."

Arthur clicked the lights on as Matthew sat up in his bed, reaching over for his glasses on the nightstand and perching them on his nose. Arthur sat down beside Matthew. It seemed he too had forgotten to breathe. 

"How long have you been awake?" he asked his son gently. 

Arthur was usually strict about bedtimes, even though he was the one who always stayed up the latest - Matthew and Alfred always feared being caught red-handed by him whenever they stayed up until midnight reading stories. But, just this once, Matthew felt his honesty would be better appreciated. 

"Since you and Papa sent us to bed..." 

He waited for Arthur to fight back his anger, but there was none. He simply smiled guiltily and scratched the back of his head. 

"I'm sorry... We shouldn't have been yelling. You and Alfred should never have to hear those types of conversations. Your papa and I had to talk, but at least we could have done it quietly..."

He was nervous. Matthew could tell.

"What did you want to talk to me about, Daddy?"

Arthur looked over at his son and smiled softly, smoothing out his soft blond locks that so resembled Francis'.

"You really want to go back to school. Don't you?"

Matthew swallowed, nodding. 

"More than anything."

Arthur sighed and chuckled thoughtfully. 

"I know..." he said. "I was the exact same way at your age."

"Were you as scared as me too?" Mattie asked. 

Arthur furrowed his brow and pulled his son into his lap. 

"No... Not- not quite," he confessed. "But I _would_ have given anything to go to school. Mostly, I just wanted to stop being teased by my brothers. They would always get home after school and parrot back everything they'd learned, or show off their new scratches after beating all of their friends at a game in the playground... I always hoped going to school would give _me_ something new to show off to _them_."

And he did. Matthew knew his daddy was very smart, and he became that way because of school. He wrote books for a living, and none of his brothers had ever done that. Matthew always secretly wished to himself that he could be as smart as Daddy someday. 

Arthur saw that thoughtful gleam in Matthew's eyes and chuckled.

"I may not have been scared _then_ , but there was this one time when I was the most scared I had ever been in my life."

"When?" asked Matthew. 

Arthur beamed nostalgically. 

"When I asked your papa to marry me."

Matthew grinned. Daddy and Papa always told him and Alfred stories about when they had gotten married. Usually, Alfred would just squirm and frown in protest of another boring wedding story (but he always became extra attentive at the bits where Papa told them about Uncle Gil and Uncle Toni's antics), but Matthew always looked forward to hearing them. It seemed this story would be a little different, though. 

"Why were you so scared?"

Arthur chuckled, shaking his head. 

"Because your papa had been pushing the subject for a very long time. I kept telling him that it was too soon and that we should both think about it for a bit longer, but he wouldn't have any of it. He was so angry at me for it. He thought it was because I wasn't sure that I loved him."

"But you did, right? Love him, I mean."

Arthur smiled fondly, holding Mattie closer. 

"Yes. Very much. More than I ever thought I could love anyone else. More than I could ever bear to say to him... I love him more and more each day.

"So," he continued, "one day, I finally thought I mustered up enough courage to ask him to marry me. I bought a ring, booked a reservation at his favourite restaurant, put on my best suit, and did everything I had to do to be ready. But when the moment finally arrived, I froze up."

Mattie's eyes widened. 

"I choked on my words, forgot what I was going to say... I tried to relax, but I couldn't. I started to feel dizzy. Your papa noticed and rushed to my rescue. He loosened my tie and opened the window and rested his hands on my shoulders and told me to-"

"Breathe," finished Matthew. 

Arthur chuckled. 

"Yes. He told me to breathe."

Matthew curled up in Arthur's arms, looking up at his thoughtful expression.

"He looked about as frightened as I was," he said. "I struggled to find the breath to speak, and he kept rambling in a panic. He kept saying that he was sorry and that no one was forcing me to do anything and to forget that he had ever brought up the subject... 

"But then I realised, this _was_ what I wanted. Here I was with this man, this brilliant man who was always so aggravating and charming and amazing... It made me terribly anxious just to think about it, but I knew wanted to be with him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him."

Arthur’s voice changed.

"I've only been that scared twice more in my life," he said. "The second time was when you and Alfred were born."—he stiffened—“And the third was today.”

Matthew stiffened too. Arthur looked into his son's eyes. How they looked like Francis'.

"Matthew, I know I worry too much. I'm always at your heels telling you what you can or can't do... I've never given you a chance to decide that for yourself. I think I know you and your limits as well as anyone, but the truth is, you're not the same boy you were two years ago. You're not even the same boy you were yesterday. You're growing up more and more every day, and I think it's about time I realised that.

"I want you to go to school. And I also want you to know that no one here is forcing you. I want you to do something because you feel ready, not because anyone is pushing or obligating or _allowing_ you to. Just know that Papa and I are always going to be here beside you, no matter what you choose to do."

Matthew was stunned. Did he mean it? He, the very same person who wouldn't let Matthew ride his tricycle to the neighbour's house across the street with Alfred? Who wouldn't let him eat ice cream in the winter because he might catch a cold?

"Son," Arthur said, "do you want to go to school?"

"Yes," Matthew responded, taken aback slightly by the speed of his reply. "More than anything…!"

Right at that moment, Arthur took Mattie in his arms and hugged him tightly. Matthew hugged him back even tighter, tears running silently down his cheeks. 

"Thank you," he said softly.

Arthur rubbed his eyes to stop his own tears and chuckled softly. 

"I love you, Matthew. I hope you know that."

Matthew smiled. He did. He also hoped his dad knew he loved him too. He did. 

Arthur pulled away and chuckled. 

"Now, since you're going to school tomorrow, you had better get some rest. It's quite late, you know?"

Matthew giggled and snuggled into his sheets, hugging his plush polar bear to himself. 

"G'night, Daddy."

Arthur smiled. 

"Good night, son."

He headed to the door and shut off the lights, but not before plugging in Mattie's small maple leaf night light. He closed the door and smiled softly to himself, closing his eyes and resting back against the door, breathing easily for the first time that day.

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic on AO3! I've had this on my computer for a while, and after a few edits, I thought it'd be a fair AO3 debut. This was a birthday gift for my best friend, so hope you like it!
> 
> Feel free to comment on here or on Tumblr: nevertaketheworldasitis


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